I havenāt been āhomeā in months. It doesnāt really even feel like home anymore, to be honest. I bet all my plants are dead. Iām waiting for Chuckās counterpart to give me the āOKā to go back, pack up some things, and leave that space behind for good. Iāve learned to not only live out of a backpack, but to also be okay with not having a home base. Itās weird, but Iām just doing what Iām toldā¦ as long as I remember that, I know Iāll be fine.
LAX āļø SYD
This week, Iām off to Sydney and trying to lay low during a layover at LAX. Itās storming and I hope my flight out isnāt delayed. Luckily, most people are watching for celebrities, so if I keep my wig secure and sunnies on I am probably fine. I find a quiet corner in the terminal, an empty spot just a few gates away from where I will depart, and quickly eat the pesto chicken and burrata salad I picked up from Pret A Manger after getting through security. My red eye leaves in just over an hour, and I canāt wait to settle in and get some sleep.
I can only sleep, and not terribly well, on a plane now. There are (usually) no surprises. I always book a first class ticket, tell the attendants I donāt need anything and do not wish to be disturbed, secure my eye mask and headphones, and Iām out like a light. On these long flights, Iāll watch something on HBO Max or read before reclining to catch a couple of long naps. I have fifteen hours to kill, and wonāt be able to look at anything related to my actual work, so instead, Iāll replay my cover in my head and add little details to make it more authentic in case someone tries to chat me up. Like how my fiancĆ©, Mark, just loves to play golf on the weekends and sure, itās a little annoying, but he doesnāt complain about my weekly girlās night so it balances out! I will add a little bit of a girly girl accent and really lean into being Sarah Carpenter, a marketing manager for a small company based in the Midwest. When the gentlemen wearing rings ask more questions, thatās when I say āoh, itās boring, so why donāt you tell me about your family instead?ā (That usually gets them to stop talking to me after a few minutes.)
I glance at my watch as I secure my AirPods. I donāt play anything, though. Every now and then Iāll bob my head about, making it look like Iām enjoying a playlist, but what Iām really doing is keeping an ear on the people chatting around me. You never know what youāll hearā¦ like the couple having a small squabble about the hotel theyāll be staying in, or the man on the phone at the bar talking to his financial advisor, freely sharing numbers and names and detailsā¦
I digress.
After I finish my salad, I decide to take a little walk. I have at least 30 minutes before boarding begins, so I head toward the shops. Might as well pick up something nice from one of the designer stops. I stop at the CNN Newsstand on my way to Hermes to get another bottle of water, a pack of gum, and the latest issue of Vogue to keep me company later. I pay in cash and as I turn around, I nearly run into someone. Sorry, I quickly offer, and try to move out of the way quickly.
āWait a minuteā¦ā he says, as my gaze (still hidden behind my sunnies) meets his.
Oh noā¦ noā¦
āYou dropped this,ā he says with a smile, handing me a hair band that must have fallen out of my purse when I paid for my magazine.
I laugh nervously. āOh, thank you so much. Safe travels,ā I say, and swiftly exit the store.
I donāt know why I still get so nervous. Iāve been living this life for a year now, and yetā¦
I find the nearest bathroom and duck into a stall at the end, one with a sink and mirror. I touch up my makeup, fix my hair, and run cold water over my wrists. A couple of deep breaths and I have it together again. Another glance at my watch tells me I have about twenty minutes before I can board. I like to board last ā it decreases the chances of being seen by the masses.
Back on track, I have enough time to pop into Hermes still, maybe grab a scarf. I round the corner by Duty Free and Iām given the shock of my life.
It canāt beā¦
I nonchalantly try to pivot and change direction but I hear his voice call a name I havenāt heard in a couple of years.
āLizzy? Holy shit, Elizabeth Gray? Is that you? I canātā¦ I canāt believe it,ā his voice sounds just as shocked as my face must look.
āBry ā Bryan, hi,ā I stammer, eyes darting around him, assessing. Iām constantly assessing. This canāt be happening. Not now.
āUmā¦ well, this is awkward, to say the leastā¦ā He wrings his hands. My gaze drops to the floor and I hear my flight number being called over the PA. āYour hairā¦ā he pauses as an inquisitive look creeps across his face. āSoā¦ Lizzyā¦ What happened to you? Where have you been? You just up and disappearedā¦ I would have filed a report but your mom told me to leave it alone and let you go.ā He pauses and stares at me, trying to see my eyes through my sunglasses. āMan, Iāve thought about this moment for a long time and suddenly, I donāt know what to say,ā he sighs. āSo, Iāll just start withā¦ why?ā
If this were a television show, this is the point where the record would scratch and I would pop up on the screen and say āwell, I bet youāre wondering how I got here.ā Maybe I can explain that better one dayā¦
I try to avoid saying anything, but I know I canāt. āItāsā¦ itās a long story, Bry, and Iām heading to my gate.ā I know I sound like a monster, but what am I supposed to do? I donāt have time to get into this right now. Nor do I want to, ever, for that matter.
āSeriously?ā
I let my hands drop to my side. āThereās nothing I can say in two minutes, Bryan, that will even begin to answer your questions,ā I start. Iām so thankful Iām about to get on a plane, so I can avoid this for a bit longer. āI canāt miss my flight, Iām sorryā¦ā
āLizzyā¦ you didnāt even say goodbye. I loved you. We were supposed to get marriedā¦ā
The guilt rushes over me in waves. He didnāt deserve the way I up and left our life. But I had no choice. And I know I canāt tell him that. āI wish I could explain, but thereās more time I have to go, they just announced my gate is boardingā¦ā
āWhere are you going?ā
I know I shouldnāt say, but Iāve lied to him enough. āSydney. For work. Lookā¦ do you still have the same number? Iām back in a few weeks and can call you, I know owe you an explanation but I justā¦ I canāt get into it right now.ā I look past him and silently wish I wouldnāt have tried to visit the shops. I could have avoided this altogether if I just stayed near my gate.
A frustrated laugh escapes his lips. āSure, yeah, my number is the same. Incredible, Lizzy. I canāt āā
I have to cut him off and raise my hand. āBry, Iām sorry,ā I say with all the sincerity I can muster. āI promise, Iāll call you when Iām back.ā
And with that, keep moving. I walk to my gate without looking back. It takes everything in me to not look back. I have fifteen hours to rid myself of this guilt before I handle my next assignment.
Iām just doing what Iām toldā¦
Sixteen hours later, Iām in a hotel room. Eyes bloodshot, dehydrated, and utterly exhausted. I turn on the shower, hoping to gain the second wind I desperately need. The steam rises around me, I drop my head and let the hot water run down my neck and back. I scrub my face and body as if Iām trying to rid my skin of the thought of running into Bryan. I canāt think about this right now, I tell myself. I spent the entire flight thinking about it instead of sleeping. Itās shit like this that makes me think Iām not cut out for this lifeā¦ but then I remember the things Iāve done in the last two years that directly negates that thought.
The phone rings as I am turning off the water. I quickly dry half of my face and answer. The now familiar voice greets me. āHello, Ani, I trust you made it safe and sound?ā
āYes, Chuck, Iām here.ā
āGood, good. You will receive a package to your room shortly. You know the drill. Iāll be in touch.ā
I wrap myself in the provided bathrobe and sit on the edge of my bed I pick up the room phone to order coffee. Hopefully it arrives before the package, I think.
Thankfully, it does, and Iām on my second cup when the package finally arrives. A welcome basket with local goods. I unscrew the lids off the jars to find what Iām looking for. Nothing in the jar of nuts, but the jasmine candle has a small piece of paper with coordinates. I punch them into the burner phone and flush the ripped up bits of paper down the toilet after confirming the location twice. I donāt have to wait long for Chuck to call back.
āAlright Ani, all set?ā
āYes, whatās next?ā
āHead to that location and youāll sit on a bench next to a woman in a red peacoat. Donāt say anything, just wait.ā
āI know, I know. The usual, right? Sheāll leave something behind and Iāll wait for the next instruction.ā
āSplendid, youāve caught on well, Ani. Youāll be one of my best before you know it. Take what she leaves behind in your purse I will keep you posted. Your new earpiece is in the box of chocolates in the basket, if you havenāt found it already.ā
I keep thinking about yesterday and know Iām going to have to let Chuck know that I was recognized in Los Angeles the next time weāre together, which could be in a few hours at this pace. Heāll tell me what to do.
Iām a little relieved I donāt have the same phone number, so thereās no way Bryan can find me now, unless he suddenly changed his own flight, joined mine, and followed me from the airport to the hotelā¦ but knowing him, thereās no way he did all that. I regret telling him I was coming to Sydney, but I take comfort in knowing Iāll be out of here within a day. Thatās the best part of this life ā I can be someone new, in someplace new, in the matter of hours.
I get dressed, secure my earpiece, do a quick sound check with Chuck, pack what I need in my satchel, and walk out the door to go do what Iām told.