“It’s me. I’m a gray rock.”

Learning how to combat manipulators and narcissists via Vanderpump Rules.

I have been writing and rewriting a version of this for what seems like months. Watching the last two episodes of the latest Vanderpump Rules season (hands-down my favorite reality television drama of all time) has me compelled to get back to writing it… and actually pressing publish.

This season of Vanderpump Rules has largely focused on the fallout of the “Scandoval” and how this group of friends moves on, together or not, in the wake of a friend and partner’s betrayal.

If you aren’t sure what “Scandoval” is/was — how it started and how we got where we are now (from the audience POV) — here are some quick highlights:

• Ariana Madix was in an almost 10-year relationship with Tom Sandoval. Tom cheated on Ariana with a mutual, close friend within their core group, for months. Ariana immediately ended the relationship, called production, and had them film the fallout. People (read: Lala Kent) seem to forget this happened?

• During the season break, Ariana began to move on with her life (she stays booked and busy!). She meets her new beau and receives loads of opportunities to advance her career in entertainment (namely starring in Chicago on Broadway and being a top-three contestant on Dancing With the Stars, among other things). Unfortunately, she was still technically living under the same roof as Tom.
  Note: Ariana has legit “adult” reasons for doing this — financial interest, assets, and half-ownership in the property. How some people don’t realize this astounds me.

• The next season began filming with Ariana sticking to her boundaries by refusing to entertain being around her ex. (👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻) When her mutual friends want to talk about him to her and how he’s “doing the work to change”, she knows it’s a manipulation tactic on his part. While she lets them speak, she shuts it down by asking her friends to not speak to her about him, and moves on.

• The latest season ends with Ariana walking away from a produced interaction and refusing to allow Tom to “have access” to her. AKA, sticking to her boundaries in order to protect herself. She tells production it won’t happen and leaves. Simple as that. Punk as fuck. She is, for all intents and purposes, truly acting like a gray rock when it comes to her ex. More on that soon.

• Tom approaches their mutual friends after Ariana makes her exit and starts spewing filth about her, showing everyone (read: the audience) who he really is. For some reason, the mutual friends (Lala and Scheana) entertain his ranting and get fired up about it and join in. The “fourth wall” is broken (which I love) and they acknowledge their job is to perform for the cameras. Again, how people don’t see this is an act, especially on Tom’s part, is astounding. One of the final frames is a hot mic moment, where the audience hears Tom say he “loves” it and it’s “good for me.”

Now that you’re caught up, let’s get into the Gray Rock of it all.

“It’s me. I’m a gray rock.”

“Gray Rocking” is a term I learned about in the last couple of years and have adapted the behavior to better deal with aggressors/manipulators/narcissists in my personal life. More people should know about how to utilize this to protect their peace. I am thrilled it is being promoted on television, let alone on my favorite show!

The Gray Rock method “is a tactic people may use to deal with abusive or manipulative behavior. It involves becoming as uninteresting and unengaged as possible so that the other person loses interest.” You literally make yourself as uninteresting as a gray rock lying on the side of the road in order to be left alone. That linked article is loaded with great information and I will further avoid being redundant here, so please give it a read to learn more.

The scene in which this method is brought up is during the recently aired Vanderpump Rules penultimate episode. Ariana is having a conversation with her best friend Scheana’s husband, Brock. He keeps pushing Ariana to “forgive” her ex so they can move on. Ariana has actually demonstrated in the last couple of episodes that she has already moved forward. Her response to Brock:

“You 100% don’t have to forgive anyone who’s traumatized you… the notion that you have to forgive in order to move on with your life — that’s outdated therapy. Grey rocking and going no contact is literally the only way to avoid the shit, the manipulation, all of it.”

Bravo, Bravo, f-ing Bravo. 👏🏻

Throughout the season, we see Ariana doing everything she can to eliminate forced interactions with her ex. Because they film a reality television show together, that’s difficult. So, she ignores him as much as possible but she doesn’t let him spin a narrative in front of her with their mutual friends that simply isn’t true. She does this in such a way that shuts down any of his conversation attempts with her until he removes himself. As he should. She didn’t do anything wrong and it’s great watching this woman stand her ground, especially when her “friends” continue to shove her ex down her throat.

While watching the second half of the season, it’s clear to me Ariana has participated in significant, productive therapy to process the trauma of being cheated on by her partner of a decade with a trusted friend. She is learning the about the tools and is using them to protect her mental health. In turn, this enables her to pick up the pieces and move forward with her life. Sharing her experience and this information on television is so important. I want to clap and shout “more of this!” but unfortunately, we all know mess is what gets ratings.

I think seeing something like this play out on television can really help a lot of people — not only from an educational perspective, but to give those who are impacted by manipulators and narcissists in their daily lives the strength to say, “ENOUGH. I will no longer let your behavior affect me and my life.”

Easier said than done. This much I know.

Going low-to-no contact with a manipulator is the way forward, as hard as it can be. Avoiding reacting to their behavior makes you uninteresting — the gray rock. When they can’t get a rise out of you, they will start to leave you alone. It takes time. And strength to allow that time to naturally play out. Personally, the more someone pokes me, I feel compelled to react. I want to defend myself. I want to get mad and cry and share frustrations with other people. But now, I understand that is what the aggressor wants. They want that reaction — because this is how they know they hold the control. It feeds them. And we have to stop feeding the trolls!

Once you release that control via being non-responsive/reactive, a new hell can and might be unleashed upon you: false narratives about you to other people in your life.

You might hear through the grapevine blatant falsehoods. You might feel like it’s necessary to preemptively contact people you know the aggressor will share lies with about you and give them a heads up. Do what I did… ask yourself, what’s the point in doing that? Why bring it up first? That will just satisfy the aggressor’s appetite. You have to trust that people who truly know you will see the truth beyond the web of lies spun. And hopefully they see it sooner than later. The real ones will ask you to clarify or bring it to your attention. You just have to trust that time will reveal the truth.

You are better off being silent, being still.

One piece of advice my father gave me years ago, which I honestly still struggle with actually doing, is to “be silent, be still.” It’s a solid policy and always serves me well. Answers and solace come in stillness.

Not engaging with a toxic person and being silent/still is a good way to get them to simply go away. When you stop reacting and start ignoring, you eventually become boring. Putting that into practice and understanding how the gray rock method works has helped me reaffirm my boundaries and keep them intact. Who doesn’t love that?!

I wish I knew about the gray rock method years ago, because it might have saved me from some major heartache… or at least pushed me to the point I’ve finally reached with some manipulators— indifference. On the surface, I no longer let it affect me. Of course, it’s heartbreaking to deal with people who hurt you over and over… but ultimately, I know my truth and that has become enough for me.

I don’t have to forgive and forget in order to move forward. No one does. Learning that I can move on without doing those things has helped me work toward the “closure” I sought for so long. I hope it can help others, too. Another way to put it:

[Leave it to me to bring all things back to Vanderpump Rules and Taylor Swift. 😂]

📸 Featured image credit: Psychology Today