Where I've Been, Where I'm Going

I'm saying goodbye to one of the worst years & hoping this one is way better.

I’ve been absent [from here], again. I’m sorry about that. I’m going to get real for a few short paragraphs. Thanks in advance for hanging in there with me.

The month of December and the holidays hit me harder than I imagined they would, being the first without my Dad but also with some additional familial happenings. Putting grief on pause for those other things just made it harder for me. I found myself dissociating and trying to “check out” as much as possible.

I’ve avoided thinking about it in depth, trying to block out the day of his death and the ceremonies that followed. I once called this a deep, searing pain… the sting hasn’t subsided. It probably won’t for a while. I thought getting through the first holiday season without my Dad (Christmas Eve was always ‘his’ holiday) and entering a brand new year would help me turn a corner. I just miss him so much and I know I always will. An arbitrary date on the calendar doesn’t really do that for a lot of us, even if we wish for it with all our might. The fact is, the last few months have been hard. It doesn’t magically evaporate into the atmosphere once December 31 flips to January 1.

With that, 2024 is off to a rocky start. We discovered our 17-year-old cat, Mojo, has lymphoma. To say I am devastated is an understatement, but I can’t seem to find any other words for what I’m feeling. He’s been a part of my entire adult life. He found me when I needed him the most, and I found him when he needed me. I will never be ready to say goodbye to my little pal. 💔 I hope I won’t have to for a little while longer. We’ll meet with an oncologist later this week to discuss the options available to make him as comfortable as possible while we fight his cancer. Any good vibes you have for him will be much appreciated.

It’s no surprise I haven’t been in the right mind to work on my writing. I think about it constantly, but when I sit down to actually write… my fingers freeze. I stare blankly at whatever is beyond my laptop screen or monitor and eventually distract myself with something else. It hurts. I hate it. So, I’m going to do my best to keep trying to change this and push myself past this block. To keep myself honest, I’m going to share some of the goals I’m setting here. If you can call them goals, that is… more like, intentions? I don’t like to say resolutions, because I never end up sticking to them. Whatever the term, I do have plans to get myself back in action.

To begin, I started the next installment of Clandestine Affairs and hope to get that out by the end of this month. I also want to challenge myself again this year to write one poem a month (and publish it here). And, I need to keep moving on my query journey. I did submit another query last night, so that’s a win. Finally, I want to make an honest crack at my next novel.

I’m reading more, too. I set my annual Goodreads goal to read at least thirty books this year. In 2023, I read twenty-seven. It’s doable. I’ve already read one and a half and we’re nine days in. I have entirely too many sitting on my shelf to not get through them this year.

Lastly, I’m going to take more advantage of my Masterclass membership and get back into Duolingo. TBD if I’ll continue with French or try another language. (I’ve gone so far, I might as well keep going. I’m always surprised by how much I retain!) For Masterclass, I have a couple of courses I started previously that I need to finish. Here’s to bettering not only my craft, but also my mind.

Thank you for reading and for being a subscriber to vibe with me. I am so grateful you read my work, whether it be my musings, fiction, poetry, or random posts.

Here’s to 2024… it has to be better, right? 🩷

📸: @findingpoeta