On Boundaries

Protecting your peace should be a priority.

I’m about to age myself, but here goes. Do you remember the episode of The Simpsons, where Lisa is doing an experiment on classical conditioning? She wires up a cupcake to see how Bart reacts compared to her hamster? The hamster learns right away to stop touching the thing that shocks him. But Bart? He just keeps going after the cupcake despite being shocked every time. “Ow. Ow. Ow.”

I am Bart. Especially when it comes to giving multiple chances to those who have hurt me. “Ow!” I scream, when someone stamps their cleat directly onto my heart. “Ow!” I cry, when the person I’m trying desperately to help blames me for their problems. “Ow!” I sigh, when I hear a fictitious story from a third party about me. The zaps keep coming because I keep trying. Trying to reach out, trying to help, trying to care…

Until one day, I became the hamster! I had been zapped too many times. I learned my lesson. I finally realized I didn’t have to take it anymore. I reached a fork in the road, metaphorically speaking. I could either continue letting the abuse happen or I could finally say “enough.”

So, I said ENOUGH.

I repeat: I do not have to take this abuse. I did not deserve to be treated this way and I do not have to allow it in my life.

The fallout was… not enjoyable, but once I learned the block button actually works, it became easier to deal with. It was a last resort, sure, but… it’s for the best.

One of the hardest things we can do in life is recognize when it’s time to cut someone off. To say goodbye to allowing the behavior of others affect your life, your day-to-day mood, your peace. Even a soft cut-off can help. What does a boundary even look like, though? It can be as simple as not accepting a phone call after a certain time of day. Not engaging in a conversation when someone puts you down, walking away from it. Bowing out graciously and walking away from someone who hurts you is not a bad thing.

Often, the person establishing the boundary typically isn’t the one who is at fault for a relationship deteriorating — we’re just the ones who are tired of being treated poorly and are finally ready to put a stop to it. To protect ourselves. To show there are consequences to the action of bad behavior.

People don’t deserve to be a part of your life because they are related to you, because you’ve known them for so many years, because you once had a great love or tons of fun with them. The sooner we learn this, the better.

Over the last few years, I’ve worked hard on building better boundaries to protect my personal peace. It’s hard. I am doing the work and am so grateful for it, but damn, it’s difficult. I was only able to find some success with it when I realized I couldn’t didn’t have to take anymore abuse. I didn’t deserve to be treated the way I was by certain people and I did not need to entertain it further. I didn’t get to this point until I was burned by the fire too many times. Or zapped by the damn cupcake, like Lisa Simpson’s hamster.

Things I noticed when I established boundaries for myself:

• The people you established the boundary for will make you feel bad for it. They will make you look like the villain in their story. You have to let them. You can’t control them, only you and how you come off to others. The desire to correct the record when you hear someone spreading lies or falsehoods about you to fit their narrative will be strong, but you have to ignore it… because you know the truth. It’s not worth trying to get involved in the mess.

• You question if you’re doing the right thing. If you’re trying to establish the boundary, you are absolutely doing the right thing.

• You grapple with dropping the boundary temporarily. Pop open the door a little bit, or open the window to see if anything changed. You miss them and want to keep trying. It’s a maddening cycle, an annoying carnival ride that doesn’t end.

The worst thing I think, at least for me, is knowing that someone is telling lies to other people in my life. I have to trust they know who I am and what the truth is… but I am not going to actively seek people out and say “oh hey, if someone tells you something about me, lol, it’s probably not true.” That just sounds… weird.

I’m not going to spend my already limited time trying to get ahead of someone’s lies, anyway. If someone asks me, I will gladly tell them the truth and again, hope my character speaks for itself. There’s a strange confidence in this feeling, now that I think about it. Reminds me of the best piece of advice my Dad gave me once upon a time: be silent, be still. I’ve written about it before when reflecting on the Gray Rock Method and dealing with manipulators. Sometimes, a non-reaction is the best reaction.

Putting boundaries in place is hard. Staying silent and still is hard. Being strong is hard. I won’t lie to you. There were a few ways that helped reinforce the notion of boundaries and understand the importance of doing so. Like attending Al-Anon meetings helped put some things into perspective. The few sessions I attended helped me understand the importance of staying in my own lane and establishing small, yet firm, boundaries with a loved one to better protect my myself. Coincidentally, so did watching copious amounts of the show Intervention.

For example: if you do X, I am going to do Y. And I have to do Y every single time they do X.  Actions have consequences, and when you never follow through with the consequence, you will continue to be a door mat.

All of this sounds great in theory. In practice? It isn’t exactly easy. It hurts. It brings tears and sleepless nights and a profound sadness. It’s all-consuming, heartbreaking, heavy load to carry alone. You constantly question if you’re doing the right thing. Remember, you are. If you can remind yourself why you established a boundary in the first place, it can help you keep it intact.

Every time I consider hitting the unblock button, I ask myself: “what am I expecting to be different this time?” Was there ever a sincere apology? Did the behavior actually change? Will the outcome actually be any different if I engage in a conversation? The answer is probably not or no.

My next question, if I’m not convinced the boundary should stay where it is, is how much energy do I want to put into this? If the answer is ugh, none, because I’m just drained… well, there’s my answer.

And I stop there, because the only other thing worth doing at this point is to continue protecting my peace.

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📸 Featured Image: Vinoth Ragunathan, Unsplash